On changing

Hiding was easy last year. I hid behind my depression. I hid behind being fat. I hid behind my rotten teeth that made me ugly. I was 39, heading for ugly, fat and old. Nothing I did to try to change things worked and I’d started to admit defeat. I was one of life’s failures. So much potential, all of it wasted. No education, no degree, no job, no money, fat, ugly and depressed. That was me. It could have been worse. I had a husband who loved me, kids who were happy and healthy, I wasn’t disabled and I had all my mental facilities intact. So I just started to accept that this was the hand life had dealt me and I should just put up with it.

I’m not sure what changed. I turned 40 in November, I was happy as far as I could be. My mum had her 60th birthday in February. Lots of alcohol was consumed, lots of pics were taken. Bloody digital cameras. I saw a pic of me and I looked awful. The outfit I thought looked pretty good didn’t. I wasn’t smiling properly because I didn’t want to show my teeth. I was by far the fattest in the room. It was enough to make me join weightwatchers, and things started to click. I lost weight, started anti depressants, took up exercise, started going to a dentist.

I’m sitting here now, 7 months on feeling really quite low. In fact right now, I feel pretty much how I felt last year. Why on earth? I’ve made so much progress, done so well. In 7 months I’ve lost over 50lbs in weight, and am wearing the same size clothes I wore on my wedding day 21 years ago. I haven’t had a full on anxiety attack for months. I’ve had several dental appointments, and I’m only a month away from having all my teeth fixed. I should be feeling great!

I think it’s fear. Fear of what it’s like to be normal. At the end of September, my weight will be in the normal BMI range, not overweight or obese. I will have new, pain free, normal looking teeth. I wear make up now, and my nails are always painted. I wear clothes that are smart, not just the ones that fit me. I’ve never been normal. And now I nearly am. I will look and feel and be a completely different person on my 41st birthday than on my 40th. Finally something I haven’t failed at. And that is scary. Nowhere to hide. And I don’t know quite what to make of it all.

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By flittygetsthin Posted in musings

A few changes

Mentally, it’s been a real tough couple of months. While I’ve been losing weight steadily, my motivation has been almost zero, and I’ve felt the weight loss has been taking far too long. But this week I seem to have rediscovered my mojo! I’ve changed a few things up, and now feel like this thing might work after all!

Firstly, I’m no longer doing weightwatchers. I have been counting points and tracking calories with MyFitnessPal at the same time for a while now, and frankly find tracking calories much simpler and more convenient. I have some accurate scales at home so for the last couple of weeks have been doing it alone.

I had a few weeks of doing nothing at all with exercise. It wasn’t that I didn’t enjoy the gym, but I hated the getting up early, and I hated the travel there and back. I bought a second hand elliptical cross trainer and now I use it daily. I’m doing my weights at home too. Don’t need a weights bench, just using my chairs and my Swiss ball. My mood is rapidly improving for exercising again and it takes up far less time now. I split my exercise sessions into two or three, and it fits in perfectly with my other commitments. And a nice unexpected bonus is the kids joining in. They spend time on the cross trainer every day, and when I do weights, they get the lighter ones and join in!

My current weight is 12st 7lb (175lb, 79.5kg). I’ve lost steadily for six weeks now, no gains or plateaux. I am now seeing differences when I look in the mirror, not just from see photos. I’m fitting comfortably into most size 14 (US 10) clothes, and needing a belt to hold up most of my size 16 clothes! I am now able to buy bras that are pretty, instead of just in my size. It’s all new territory from here, as I move into being slimmer than I ever have been. Here’s a pic 🙂

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Weigh-in Week …. Something!

I know, I know, I haven’t been updating regularly. I’ve actually had a tough month mentally. I will blog it soon. In the meantime, weight loss has been steady. Today I had a 4lb loss!

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By flittygetsthin Posted in Stats

For the first time…

…I feel like giving up. No particular reason that I can identify. I really fancy the creamy, tomato-y, cheesey bacon pasta I used to make. The last few days I’ve been really really hungry. I’m bored of being fat and unhealthy, but I’m not making progress as quickly as I would like (in fairness, the speed I would like progress to happen isn’t actually possible…). I wish I could be naturally thin. I wish I was fit already, and it wasn’t such hard work to get fit. I wish I wasn’t so hungry.

By flittygetsthin Posted in musings

Weigh in week 16

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A 1lb gain this week. It fits in perfectly with my pattern of lose for 3 weeks, gain for 1 week, repeat. I’ve had several non scale victories this week, all of the size 16 trousers I have worn this week are too big for me! I’m still a bit disappointed though. I’m in the “grind”, the part of losing weight where progress doesn’t seem to go fast enough, the initial euphoria has worn off and goal seems a long way away.

I’m keeping myself going by planning new workouts. I’m restarting C25k on Saturday, on the treadmill, and just once a week. I only need to lose 2 more pounds and I’ll have lost 15% of my body weight. 4 more pounds and that’s 2.5 stones (35lb, 15.9kg) off. I’m almost a size 14. These are the things I keep in my head when I get setbacks like today.

The incredible shrinking woman

I lost 2.5lb this week, making 32lb in total. By the pattern I normally follow, I should put on a bit of weight next week, but let’s hope it doesn’t happen!

Here’s a pic that shows my progress so far 🙂

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Where HAVE you been?

Well, first I put on half a pound. It really rocked my confidence, despite being such a small gain. So I spent a lot of time researching what could have gone wrong. Was I eating too much? Was I eating too little? Was I doing enough exercise? Was I cheating myself? I know, I thought, I’ll measure myself. They say sometimes you can lose inches even though you don’t actually lose weight. Hmm. My waist had got bigger. So had my hips. And my bust. The only thing that had shrunk was my neck.

I was on the verge of giving up. It isn’t easy, and if it isn’t working, what’s the point? But something didn’t let me. If I fail now, it will be the last time because I won’t try again. I always give up when the going gets tough, it’s time to prove how strong I really am. I carried on researching and came to the conclusion I needed to put more effort into my workouts, and increase the amount I was eating. Not by much, just a few points/200 calories. And I joined the gym. I now have access to yoga, pilates and other exercise classes, plus weights, plus lots of cardio machines. I’m working out every day except Thursday and Sunday, and on Thursday I’m active as I work at both WeightWatchers meetings that day. And I may well do the early morning pilates class on Thursdays from next week.

And the focused exercise and slight increase in food intake is paying off. I lost 1.5lb last week, and today’s weigh in showed a 2.5lb loss! I have now lost 29.5lb in total, over 2 stone, or nearly 13.5 kilos. I’m no longer obese on the BMI charts, just overweight. I am starting to feel fitter. Non scale victories include being able to bend over without going dizzy when I rise, jogging up 2 flights of stairs without stopping, and not feeling like death at the top, stepping off the bus without needing to hold on the the rails, feeling contented and happy for no particular reason, getting up early to go to the gym and it not bothering me, putting on the summer trousers I bought last year that were too tight, and finding them loose, and wearing my converse trainers all day without having to loosen the laces!

I am determined to prove myself wrong. I am very lucky in that all my friends and family support me unconditionally, the doubter is me. But I feel like I’ve failed so many times over so many things in my life, it’s not going to happen this time.

Weigh in week 11

Once again, I lost 2.5lb! Am very, very happy.

Week 11: 3rd May 2012
Weight: 13st 12lb/194lb/88.2kg
Loss: 2.5lb/1.1kg
Total loss: 26lb/11.8kg

In January 1994, I was weighed at my doctors 6 weeks after having my first baby. I was 13st 13.5lb. Since then, I have had 5 more babies, and was never lighter. 18.5 years later I am. It feels very strange to be lighter than I was aged 21-22. Strangely, I’m not as slim as I was back then, but that will come. Hopefully!

Looking back over my stats, I can see that I seem to plateau for a couple of weeks every 10lb or so. So I expect a small loss next week, followed by a week or 2 of staying the same. When I joined weightwatchers, I hoped that I would be at my goal weight by the end of February next year. It’s looking good so far!

The following chart helps keep me motivated, I’ve come so far!

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How many tyres?

I seem to have hit the annoying phase of weight loss. I’ve lost a lot of pounds and inches, but I am not yet fit and healthy. And my body looks strange and weird, and not mine, and wrong.

Before I started dieting, my mid section was round. It was big enough to look pregnant when clothed, but when naked there was no illusion. I couldn’t see my pubic hair, the overhang hid it all. When I lay down, my boobs disappeared into my armpits, but there was still the nice rounded dome that was my belly. The rear view wasn’t much better. I often joked that I had no bum, I went straight from back fat to leg fat! It was true though. I didn’t like the way I looked, but it was my body, it held me together, mostly. It was what it was.

I’ve been eating more healthily now for nearly 12 weeks. It’s the longest I’ve ever stuck to a healthy eating plan. It’s the most amount of weight I’ve ever lost, including when I gave birth! So even I can see the changes in my body now. When I lie down, my boobs no longer disappear. They’ve shrunk quite a bit so now they sag, but they’re not in my armpits! My belly is also flat when lying down. Amazing! When I stand or sit, my belly isn’t flat, though it’s flatter. I was shocked this morning on my way to the dentist when I caught the reflection of myself in a shop window. I could actually see boobs, waist and hips! Yay! But rather than one huge round mass between my boobs and hips, I now seem to have 2 or 3 tyres! They wobble like a water bed. And the skin just above my pubic area is wrinkly and saggy. I do now have a distinct bum, but it’s flat, not peachy, and again the skin is wrinkly and saggy. Yuk.

I do not recognise this body I see in the mirror and in ship windows. It does not belong to me. It is not mine. It feels alien to me. The lack of chins and spots on my face are great, but strange. Being able to see the muscles in my legs looks a little like aliens under my skin. And now it seems like its not changing quickly enough. That it will always look like this. Lumpy, bumpy, saggy and wrinkly.

But I am not disheartened. Because this lumpy, bumpy, saggy and wrinkly body isn’t mine. It’s a temporary shell, slowly shedding to reveal the new me underneath. That may well be lumpy, bumpy, saggy and wrinkly too, but it will be smaller, and I will have worked for it, and it will be the best body I can have. So while currently I don’t look great, I will. I just hope the time it takes to get there passes quickly!

By flittygetsthin Posted in musings